I have a confession to make. Nothing unusual for Naughty corner, the place of some of my darkest secrets. I hope that making this confession, I can make some of you who may have felt the same feel normal! And these aren’t the confessions that people go randomly spouting at coffee groups or music classes. So settle down with your cup of tea and read on.
I never ever wanted to have children. That was the one thing I was absolutely sure about. I had chosen my partner “well”, he had been married before and had a son, and no desire for more. I was on the upwards at work. I had never ever had a moment in my life when I had ever felt maternal. When friends had children, I gave them the same regard I would a new kitten or puppy. They are cute, fun to buy stuff for, but not for me. I had always felt this way. I didn’t judge my friends for choosing motherhood, but it was never something I desired for myself. So when I went to the Doctors because I thought I had diabetes and came out pregnant, I was shocked, scared and angry. Really angry. And I was bleeding. Heavily. The Doctor thought I was in the throes of a miscarriage, however the symptoms that had sent me racing for her advice in the first place weren’t disappearing and my HGC levels weren’t going down as they should. Suddenly I was in a new place. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to lose this baby I had never thought I wanted. The weekend was full of discussions and plans for a future that might include someone else. I could not believe my body had betrayed me like this! We had a deal! We had seen each other through some wild times, and now it had totally let me down! I had to take some time off work because I was just so shocked! My partner, to my horror, had been talking for some time before “this” happened about having a baby, and my response had been that I wanted a dog, and if I didn’t kill the dog in a year’s time, then I would think about it. We had gotten the dog the week before, so having not killed her in the first week didn’t really feel like the practice run that I had thought it might be. Come Monday, with my HGC levels rising again, The Doctor thought it might be prudent to have a scan. I went along, thinking I was about 6 weeks pregnant, and there was this flickering little heart, this funny little alien body and it was 11 weeks old already, and strong, healthy and not going anywhere for another 6 months. Wow. Suddenly new waves of feelings were flooding my body, and I wasn’t quite prepared for some of them.
Telling people our news was an education in itself. Some were delighted. The “I told you so, I knew you would change your mind!” comments came thick and fast. Some were shocked. “How did that happen?” – and for the record, if at some stage in your early 30s you don’t know how “that” happened, I suggest you go and have a wee chat with your mother! There were also the disappointed. Including myself. That was one of the hardest things, keeping my own disappointment under wraps when a promotion at work was coming up and knowing it should have been, would have been mine, if only, the strong childless friends who I had somehow let down by “conforming” and the friends and family who’s moral values were rocked by the “out of wedlock” pregnancy – like we were in some kind of made for TV drama set in Pleasantville, 1955. One “good friend” of my Partner said to him – and in front of me – “Well, she’s really got you trapped now, mate. I hope you have everything tied up with your lawyer”.
The entire pregnancy seemed to be plagued with issues. Not only my own doubts about not only my ability to be a good Mother, but whether I would bond with this baby and if s/he would be scarred for life with my negativity towards the pregnancy. My Dad got diagnosed with cancer, My stepson entered his teenage years with a vengeance and I suffered terrible morning sickness and pre pre eclampsia where my entire body blew up with fluid so bad, I had to wear jandles in the middle of winter with my business suit as none of my shoes fit. Finishing work a month out was a relief. I spent a lot of time reading and preparing mentally to meet our baby, and when I went into labour almost textbook like in the early hours of my due date, I just knew that me and this baby were going to get along just fine, and s/he obviously knew that I hate to be kept waiting! When that tiny elf was placed on my chest, any doubts, fears and insecurities I had about making the choice to carry on with my pregnancy, melted away. I just had to look into his big blue eyes to feel my heart expanding a little more to fit him in and I now couldn’t imagine my life with out him, or, indeed, his small sister. Even if there are days – like today – that I could cheerfully give them away! Never say Never
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