Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The coffee group mine field.

There’s one in every class…. You know, the one who’s going to do the whole birth thing with no pain relief, breastfeed ‘til school days, cloth nappies ‘til toilet trained at one, only home made organic baby food, all while studying child psychology to better understand the two year old when he/she arrives in the nursery.
The one who makes you feel woefully inadequate as a first time parent without actually meaning to.
The reason why sometimes in the pit of your stomach there becomes a knot whenever coffee group time rolls around.  You don’t know WHY she does it but you do know it makes you feel bad.
Ante Natal class is a bit like that minefield you thought you had escaped when you left high school.  Suddenly, all of the different cliques are thrown together in one big melting pot because you all have one common denominator—you all had a baby. After you have all had your babies, you need to navigate which  clique you fit into.  You may have changed cliques since high school, you might just slot back into your clique with ease. Lets refresh. There’s The Cool Mum – all “it” buggies, the “right” merinos, the casually cool seemingly effortless outfits, driving the cool car that neither says Mum Bus or compromise… then there’s the Nerds – the ones who have read and memorised every parenting book and theory, turning themselves needlessly inside out when their “Sanguine” baby turns out to be a “grumpy” baby. The Sporty Gals – the ones doing the next women's tri– are going for casual jogs just weeks after childbirth with their super jogging strollers. The Natural Mum (aka The Hippy) – all free parenting, non vaccinating and cloth nappies, The Class Clown—The mum whose glassy eyes and loud laughs belie the fact she is struggling to cope on three or four hours of sleep a night and then of course, there is the above mentioned Supermum. 
Supermum is a clique all of her own.  She is probably also known as “Competimum” The mum who turns every age and stage into some kind of competition.  Love her or hate her, you probably all know her or maybe you ARE her.  Supemum doesn't mean to be the way she is.  Supermum quite possibly takes the whole “Happy Mum = Happy baby” saying to the letter and quite possibly subscribes to the “Fake it til you make it” school of thought as well.  Clichés aside, Supermum is pretty hard to stomach when your own baby journey isn’t rocking along as nicely as you thought it might. After a 24 hour labour that ended in an episiotomy or a c section and the stiches made you yelp for weeks after, or even after an 8 hour labour during which you had gas or *shock horror* and epidural, supermum likes to trot out her “didn’t feel a thing” textbook story which ends with the baby breastfeeding perfectly first time and no past partum blues. As time moves on, cloth nappies and organic home made baby food become the next items on the list, and super baby is crawling by 5 months, teeth at 9 months and walking to the toilet on their own at 12 months.  While reciting Shakespeare in Latin.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that we all take immense pride in what we are doing, which is the hardest job in the world.  Regardless of if we breast or bottle feed, if we had “natural births” or asked for the pain relief to wear off around the Childs 20th birthday, feed your child store bought food while s/he sits in plastic nappies till age 3 we are all doing the very best job we can in the best way we know how and it might even be *gasp* different to how you are doing it. No matter which clique you slot into (and don’t say you don’t because you do—just think about it for a minute..) You will have your trials and tribulations.  Don’t judge “cool mum’ because she has “the toys” and “the look” down pat.  Cool mum has her worries, doubts and insecurities just like every one else.  Nerdy mum is a great point of reference when you need to figure out the “sleep/feed/play” thing.  Hippy mum is probably onto a few good things if you open your mind enough and Good old Supermum probably has the biggest hang-ups of them all.  Not everyone’s lives are that perfect all the time.  YOU can be the refreshing change in your coffee group.  Own up if things suck. Wear your tears with pride. Admit to disliking this lark. Admit to finding it hard.  You opening your mouth—and your mind– could be just the thing those other mums need the most.  To hear that it’s not always perfect and it’s ok to really hate the job some days. Especially Supermum.